Unfortunately, the typical divorce proceeding does not smoothly or quickly conclude. It can take months to negotiate the terms of your divorce, and even longer for the paperwork to make it through court. In most cases, the untimely manner of the law doesn’t well coincide with practical determinations about what to do with your children. Deciding child custody can frankly take a while. If you need a quick decision, you may have to request a temporary court order. The order is done via a brief meeting between the judge and the divorcing couple. They function well because they are short, less formal than a full on court proceeding, and extremely to the point. However, the brief nature of the meeting necessitates that both parties know exactly what they want when they come to the table, and that they both clearly state those wants, as a judge may allot each party only a few minutes to speak. It is here that you can establish visitation rights during the divorce proceeding.
Determining Custody
The court with jurisdiction in the state you get divorced in will determine how child custody plays out. Unless it’s shown to be against the best interests of the child, both parents have equal rights to custody of the child when they separate. A court will place the child either equally in the homes of both parents, or in one or the other. In cases where the child is placed primarily with one parent, the judge forms this decision based on:
- the wishes of both parents and the child
- the child’s relationship with both parents and any siblings or any others in either parents lives that would affect the child
- whether or not the child could be comfortable in either house and the school and community that goes with it
- the health of both parents and the child
Legal Custody vs. Physical Custody
If you are awarded legal custody of your child, you have the final say in their education, religious upbringing, and healthcare, as well as any major health care decisions in their lives. Most states default to joint legal custody, permitting either parent to continue to exert equal control over their child’s lives, as they did in the marriage. If you and your spouse disagree on every major decision relating to your child, joint legal custody can get tiresome and impossible, and a judge may award one parent full custody. Also, in cases where one parent may be unfit to bear the responsibility of this level of custody, one parent may gain all legal custodial rights.
Of course, even the parent with legal custody should keep in mind a healthy custody arrangement depends on both parents working together to give the child, not the parent, the best situation possible.
Physical custody refers to the parent the child lives every day. Both or just one parent may be charged with this custody. The major disadvantage in awarding one parent sole physical custody of the children is that parent may at any time move far away with the children, and the parent lacking custody can only appeal this move to the courts on the grounds that it would be bad for their children.
Different Levels of Custody
There are a few different options open to a court looking to bestow custody. Temporary custody, for example, temporarily ensures that one parent has temporary custody of the child during special periods, or during the time of the divorce or separation. Joint custody, or the equal division of custody between both parents permits both parents equal say in their child’s rearing. Joint custody is favored when it is clear that both parents are ful;y capable of performing the necessary duties of parenthood. A third type of custody, exclusive custody, reserves all custodial rights for one parent and is only possible if one parent succeeds in contesting the other parent’s ability to serve their child’s best interests. Additionally, if neither parent is capable of properly meeting the best interests of their child, the court may award a third party legal custody. This last form of custody is reserved only for hopeless cases, for example in cases that both parents are suffering from drug addictions and are not fit for the responsibility of taking care of their child. The third party is often a grandparent or a close relative.
Visitation
If you and your spouse are able to agree to a visitation schedule, you may present documentation of this arrangement to the court for approval. This method is most advisable: if you cannot work with your former spouse to craft a reasonable schedule for your child, a judge will do it for you. That is, a judge who knows very little about you, your family, your children’s needs and whatever special considerations may be necessary. A judge will more than likely try to make the best judgement possible with little information and less time. They will then move onto determining the next child custody case. You will not be special. Additionally, if your judge gives you an arrangement that causes major complications in either yours or your spouse’s life, you have to return to court to legally appeal then change it.
Nurturing the Best Life for Your Child After a Divorce
Your divorce is going to affect your children. Period. It could have a positive or a negative effect, or a murky combination of both, but in order to assure that your child is no less able to enjoy a full, rich family life, you and your spouse have to carefully identify and understand all impact. Talk with your children, ask them how they are feeling, and don’t discourage their expressing everything by assuring them not to worry that everything will be fine midway through your chat. Hear them out, and listen; ask for good, and bad, regardless of whether or not it is painful so you can fully assess their needs. Then make sure your children know your love and feel your support. Reassure them. Tell them more than once that they will always have both parents, that of course the divorce wasn’t their fault, and that the divorce was the best way for both parents to be fully happy again.
Do not lean on your children. Of course, you are entitled to feel what you feel, and even express stress or discontentment with the divorce. But especially if you have joint legal and/or physical custody with your former spouse, make sure you do not talk ill of your child’s parent. It will foster negative feelings in your relationship with your child, and they may end up resenting you. Any disagreements you may have with your former spouse should not burden your children; actually, it would be most advantageous to you to cultivate a working relationship with your former spouse. You still have to work together to raise your child.
Whatever child support arrangement you work out, there will be challenges. That’s okay. It is important that both you and your former spouse keep in mind your common driving force: the mental, emotional, and physical well being of your child.
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