Parenting after a divorce can have it’s own set of challenges. You just went through the divorce process, and you are ready to decompress and have a fresh start to your life, without your ex. However, you can’t cut off ties with your ex-spouse because you still have a child or children together. This can be frustrating for all involved. Still, co-parenting is the best option for your child. You can make co-parenting a conflict-free and nurturing experience by employing the following tips.
- Separate feelings from behavior. You may have residual feelings of hurt or anger after your divorce, but there’s no reason you have to act on those feelings. To deal with these feelings, get them out in healthy ways by venting to friends, family, or a counselor.
- Stay focused on the kids. Focusing on your children will help put perspective on your actions and help your remember why you are making the effort to be a co-parent. Remember that co-parenting helps your child feel secure, shows them a healthy example of relationships, and allows them to benefit from a consistent life routine.
- Don’t put the kids in the middle. Even if you have not let go of the resentment or anger you feel towards your ex, it is important to compartmentalize these feelings and avoid involving your children. Try not to use your kids as messengers, because it puts the child at the center of possible conflict and shows poor communication skills. Also, avoid bad-mouthing your ex in front of your child, which would only confuse them and make them feel stressed.
Communication is key to co-parenting. Communication can also easily spur conflict, which makes it even more important that you master communicating peacefully with your ex. Think about communication as the most direct way of providing for your child’s well being. Communication in person, text, on phone calls or in emails can be difficult; try the following tips for conflict-free communication:
- Use a direct, business-like tone. One way to avoid conflict is to view your co-parenting relationship as a business relationship, where the “business” is to raise your child. When speaking to a business partner, you would speak, cordially, respectfully, and neutrally. Use these tactics with your ex.
- Make requests. Again, being direct as possible avoids conflict. Statements can be misinterpreted, so rather than just stating your child needs to be picked up early from school, ask your spouse directly if they would be willing to pick up your child early from school. This way, you avoid being interpreted as accusatory or demanding, and possibly garnering resentment.
- Listen actively. Listening is vital for good communication. Even if you disagree with what your ex is saying, assure them that you fully understand what they are trying to express. This does not mean you have to agree with them or approve of what they are saying, just that you are willing to hear their opinions.
- Keep conversations focused on the children. You can decide what you and your ex talk about. In reality, you only need to talk about your children’s needs. Avoid talking about your own or your spouse’s needs, as is is unnecessary and can easily spiral into an argument. Overall, don’t forget why you are trying to be the best co-parent you can be-to properly raise your child- and you can find the strength to co-parent peacefully and effectively.
