Let’s be honest: Some children feel more safe when they are at their mother’s house because they can confide in their mother and they have been closest to their mother for years. Of course, this is not the case for every child but it is certainly for some. To some children, going to their father’s house may give them feelings of anxiousness as well as experiencing new and unknown things that they do not necessarily understand. Others still may feel left out if there are other children involved as well as a new woman in their father’s life. The problem is, many very young children cannot make the decision of whether or not they will go to their father’s house – in many custody agreements, it is a necessity and the child cannot make that decision until they are older.
Determining the Issues
So, say your child has returned home from their father’s house and exclaimed, “I do not want to go back, please don’t make me! I want to stay with you!” Many factors may come into play here and you should try to work with the utmost understanding to come to a conclusion as to why the child is resisting their visitation. Here are some reasons why they may be resisting, and ways in which you can determine the source of the problem:
- They are feeling guilty or disloyal when they leave your presence.
- They may have overheard rude comments or slurs that were made about their father that now makes them dislike them. Do you raise them in an environment that is hostile toward their father?
- Their father may be disciplining them in a way that is different than you, which may be dramatic to them.
- The child is exposed to tension and conflict between the two of you.
- They may be holding their father responsible for the divorce. Many children will turn to blaming in a divorce situation.
The actions that happen in your life can contribute to whether or not your child wants to go to their father’s and you may not even realize it. For instance, are you showing signs of depression when they leave and making them feel guilt about the situation? You may be, essentially, robbing them of the joys of having two parents in their life. Children should always be assessed in a respectable manner, meaning that you should talk to your children about these issues and get to the bottom of it sooner than later so that you can work on fixing the issues at hand.
Tips to Guide You Through These Struggles
Here are some useful tips to be considered if your child is having troubles dealing with visitation with another parent:
- Do not speak negatively about your ex, as it could make them fear their father or harbor negative feelings toward them. This could lead to confusion and possibly affect your relationship negatively in the future.
- Always spend time together as a family if it means something to your child. You may want to consider asking their father if he would like to attend a school event together to show the child that the situation is safe and happy.
- Make the child feel wanted. When they are at their father’s house, call them. Remember that quality time with the child is important, more important than turning a child against a parent.
- Always communicate with your child and create an environment that they can feel safe in so that they can open up to you.
Co-parenting may be difficult after a divorce, but it does not have to be more difficult than usual. If you want your child to grow up in a healthy and safe environment, always remember these important tips and help your child when they need it most.
